The Captain Von "Trap"

The nice thing about working less is having plenty of time to think. The hideous thing about working less is having plenty of time to think.

All this thinking leads to insights which, ideally, lead to action.

And "action" is where the trouble starts. Always has been. The argument between my will and that of some other authoritative power that is supposed to have the plan. See, action involves making a decision and decisions are what I most want to avoid. Although I didn't know this. Until I took leave. And all the thinking.

I'd always thought of myself as a keen decision-maker. Certainly in business I'm known for a particular cut-to-the chase decisiveness, I just assumed it carried over to the rest of my life. Over the years I've felt myself saying this job, this guy, this city, this hat. And moving forward. Yet now, today, I look back on all that and see, OK, a thread, but not necessarily a purposeful picture.

A sneaking suspicion arises -- that I do not want to make decisions at all. Followed by an insight -- that I'm translating (at a furious pace, too), all notions of God, Universe, HIgher Power, Spontaneity (etc.), into a "rescue me" fantasy of fantastic proportion.

I blame Captain von Trapp. Of course it's a man, all of us of a certain generation (despite our rap) want the handsome hero to solve it all. I was swept away, as a child, by Captain VTs handsomeness, authority, derring-do and how he made Maria's life just by loving her. It's a tough image to live up to (and no man has, yet), and an embarrassing one to hold. Yet, there it is: I'm still sort of hoping (reluctant to say "waiting") for my version to come along and make the decision for me.

I know. Shocking. Yet I am addicted to the idea that there is something special for me to do, a right path, and I need only be open enough or willing enough or patient enough, and it will reveal itself to me.